Thankful for my family during the holidays!

There are times that I am thankful that I’ve never been married or had kids.  Those times arrive when I listen to the horror stories of my friend who has been divorced for some time but continues to deal with an abusive ex-husband because they have a child together.  While I won’t go into great detail about her case, because I want to protect her and her child’s privacy.  I thank god that I do not have to go through similar problems. 

I have often regretted not marrying or having children, but I also think that it could still happen.  I am an optimist.  I like to have faith in humankind.  I like to think that there is still a man out there for me.  I am almost 39 years old and I know that some people have often wondered if I was gay because I haven’t married and have not really had a significant other.  Maybe I should mention that I am stubborn, I don’t intend to ever start a relationship that I believe will not end with death in old age.  I’m not saying that other people start a relationship intending for it to end in divorce.  I have strong feelings about relationships; I don’t start something that I think has a possibility of ending with hurt.  One could say that I am overly cautious and afraid of being hurt, but no one man has ever made me feel comfortable enough to step out in faith.

At this holiday season I reflect and regret that I don’t have my own family to share Christmas with, but I also rejoice that I don’t have a child that is struggling and shuffling from one home to another.  I reflect on the togetherness of my own growing up years that I could always count on having my own family around me together.  I do regret not making my own family as an adult.

Itchy Feet and Other things…

I graduated from Western Oregon University on December 11, 2011.  It might seem strange to some people that right now having that diploma does not comfort me.  I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the thought of not having a goal hanging over me that in my mind must be completed.  I never realized how goal orientated I’m am, but I feel lost.  They question that keeps repeating in my head is “What do I do now”.  While I am happy and feel great accomplishment for having completed what I set out to do, I’m also frustrated.  I’m frustrated because I don’t have a plan for what’s next.  This blog is not meant to be a venting of that frustration, but I needed to write about what I was feeling. 

I have spent so much time and energy focusing on my goal to complete my B.S. in Education that I don’t have much of a life outside of school.  I don’t have a family of my own, no significant other and no real prospects of one.  As proud of myself as I am, I’m feeling sorry for myself because I have no one to share this great accomplishment with.  I’ve cut so much out of my life just to stay focused on college, that now I regret in some ways the sacrifices that have been made.

As I mentioned the frustration is not all I feel.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride that I have graduated from college, not many people have completed college.  I want to do so many things, including teach children.  With the state of the economy finding a teaching job is difficult, but I am determined.

Every once in a while I get what I call itchy feet, which means that I have a great urge to move someplace new where I’m not known and start my life over.  The feeling I have includes a lot of anxious feelings.  With my new teaching degree it will be easier for me to find a job in a new location and start anew.  While I search for teaching jobs, I’ve included some different states in my search; including Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho.  A change of scenery is what I need right now, I think part of this has to do with how depressed I get over the holiday season.

I know that this isn’t a very cheerful update…  But I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.